Going to the mattresses.

Go to the mattresses. It means you have to go to war. It's not personal. It's business. It's not personal. It's business.

I have been going to the mattresses for about a week. Tomorrow, I hit the mattresses head on and face to face. Well, cell phone to cell phone, but still HEAD ON.

The worst possible thing that might happen to me academically HAPPENED. I learned that I failed my comprehensive exam.

Huh?

I know, right?!

Now I am going to the mattresses to fight for my work. I am not going to take this lying down. (Note the clever, and un-intended pun.) I am trying to "play nice" and get along in order to move forward in an academic sense, but at the same time I am boiling, oozing, seething, mad.

However...

The worst possible thing that might happen to me academically HAPPENED. And I have survived. My life did not end. The earth did not cease to turn.

I AM NOT MY EXAM.

I am still a crazy genius. I am smart. I am capable. I am nothing if but determined. I will go to the mattresses confidently and articulately. And, should the result not be what I hope for, then I will continue to fight. I will continue to be smart, sexy, funny, capable, and a genius.

Simply, crap happens. But I choose to move away from the stink.

Just a little patience.

I am not a patient person. There are far too many times that I want something and I want it NOW. I don't think I have an impulse control disorder; but sometimes I wonder. I want to know the results of my comp exam and I want to know NOW. I think I need to find my iPod and get lost in some good ol' G&R...

intraPERSONAL cOnFlicT.

Too often I find myself tossing and turning in bed in the early hours of a new day. Too often the thoughts that race through my mind are the SERIOUS questions that might better be entertained over lively dinner conversation with intelligent, open-minded, and close friends. And then there are the questions that seem too personal to escape the confines of my skull or even allow the words to cross my lips. It's a heavy way to start/end/start?/end? a day. Honestly, I don't know if I am coming or going at this point. I am not in a place of despair. I am not in need of rescue. I would like my monkey brain to shut off and find some peace in my heart. Sometimes the most difficult questions we face in our lives are sitting never so silently in the most active and dangerous chambers of our souls. The battle is difficult tonight...Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace?

Mightier than the sword.

I spent the last week working on my comprehensive exam for my doctoral program. I have never done so much reading, research, and writing in one weeks time. I am still not convinced that my brain will recover from this week...I do hope so. One thing that seemed to help was a new print I found. KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON. Not a new print, it is actually from 1939, but recently resurfaced from the bottom of a box of dusty books purchased at an auction in the UK. (For the story, click here.) The significance for me is that five simple words were a constant reminder to take cleansing breaths. Five simple words reminded me to take energy sustaining breaks. Five simple words reminded me that in a few short days the exam would be over and life will move forward. Bottom line: words have power. Choose wisely.

I am okay being unperfect.

The night was golden.

I love Oscar Sunday. I love the arts in all of its many and varied forms. Tonight, however, the Oscars were the backdrop for an even better production unfolding in my living room. A fire roared in the fire place. The living room had been given a good vacuuming. The kitchen was clean and the dishwasher was humming. Company was coming. C&C Martineau Factory brought young master C over for a play date. When the rest of the Martineau Factory returned, we had a great time laughing, sharing opinions and jokes, and recharging our social batteries. The C&C Martineau Factory remind me that I do have a social life and friends...or at least the potential for a social life. So while many worthy performers and performances took away golden statues to symbolize their accomplishments in the arts, I took away something more valuable than gold. I have good friends. And the memories we made tonight were priceless.

Me. Myself. I.

It's Valentine's Day. So much love going around. The floral designers are working like Santa's elves at 11:59 pm on the 23rd of December. The cashiers at Hallmark haven't had a coffee break since midnight last night. Hustle and bustle galore to find the perfect something to show that someone that you care. Which brings me to this question:

WHAT ABOUT ME?

Selfish? I think not. When was the last time I told myself that I loved me? When was the last time that I showed myself that I love me? Shouldn't Valentine's Day be as much about telling ourselves and showing ourselves that we love US ("us" meaning, "I love Me, Myself, and I"!) as it is about telling and showing others that we love them?

I say hell to the yes!

I have this book that sits on a shelf in my office. When I Loved Myself Enough, by Kim McMillen. I open it's pages at random times on different days. I wondered what today's random message to my soul would be. It was:

When I loved myself enough I began feeling a community within.

This inner team with diverse talents

and idiosyncrasies

is my strength and my potential.

We hold team meetings.

Coincidence? I think not. Everything happens for a reason.

So I say to myself, unabashedly and without hesitation: I LOVE ME! I LOVE MYSELF!! and I LOVE I!!!

This is my Valentine's gift to myself not only today, but ANY day!

Now, give the same gift to YOU...

The Buddhists call this mindfulness.

Though in many ways it's like un-mindfulness because it is all about entering into an empty-mind state, void of worries and fears and insecurities...a state that can be best achieved through regular meditation.

Which brings you to...

LIFE LESSON #23

When you practice regular meditation, you find you are able to see so much more.

Meditation works like one of those shake-up-snow-dome thingies - it helps the flaky stuff in your mind settle down, so you can see more clearly what you truly need and want.

So once a day you just sit. Stop. Become a human still life.

Except.

Do nothing.

Be nothing.

Except breathe. You become one with your breath. You breathe. In and out. In and out. You shhhhhhhh and ignore the shhhhhhhhhh*t.

Gently borrowed from, "how to be HAPPY, dammit: a cynic's guide to spiritual happiness", by Karen Salmansohn.

Mesmerized by Maya.

stretch. STRETCH. S T R E T C H yourself.